From: mmcalees@csr.UVic.CA (Michael McAleese) Date: 20 Jun 92 20:49:10 GMT Newsgroups: rec.games.frp.archives Subject: COLUMN: Sauramud's Advice Column #3 Note: I forgot to attribute one of the questions on the last advice column (thwack! upside da haid!). "Lonely Apprentice Seeking Furry Friend" was, in fact, egon@eola.cs.ucf.edu (Lawrence Rounds). Sorry Lawrence! And awayyyyy we go... As always, culled from the pages of the _Wizard_Weekly_News_, here is... ***************************************************************************** Sauramud's Advice Column for Young Wizardlings Issue #3 ***************************************************************************** To All Readers: I would like to dispel the vicious rumors that my recent two week study sabbatical was actually a drinking binge. I don't need this kind of abuse - it's already a dirty, thankless job being a wizard! I work my poor wizardly buns off researching the answers to the questions posed here only to get kicked in the groin behind my back when I decide to take a little nip of Ol' Lysol! Next question. -------------- Dear Sauramud: I have this burning question that I sure hope you can answer for me. I seem to be having some problems with my new fireball spell. At first, it was great. I took out fifteen ogres at long range and the rest of the party loved me. They even bought me drinks that night. But the last time I used the spell, we were in a dungeon. I blasted some assorted beasties in a big room with many exits, and even though I was back pretty far, some of the fighters weren't, obviously. They got roasted good. Now they're mad at me - they won't even let me cast a fireball outside anymore. Is it just me, or is this spell of no use underground? I've just gotta know - lately they've been suggesting that I should buy them rings of fire resistance! Is it my fault that they don't want to get out of my blast radius? What can I do ?!? Signed: "Torchy" Dear Torchy: It's that respect thing again. Either they hate you because you're wimpy or they hate you because you accidentally truncated their facial hairs with a fireball. The problem with the rest of the party is that they are plain 'stoopid' - obviously or they would be wizards. You've got to convince them that getting a little bit singed now and then is better than getting swallowed by a slimy, grunting monster. Remind them that you didn't insist that the fighter give up his sword the last time he ac- cidentally cut off the point of your hat with his backswing when you were cringing behind him. --------------- Dear Sauramud: I'm a perfectly normal wizard who has a strange problem. You see, it all started when I was on my first dungeon exploration and I got a size 8 hole in my size 4 chest thanks to an orc's scimitar. Luckily the thief had a healing potion and in a few rounds I was back to normal. This seemed to start a trend, every time the party obtained a healing potion I would get dropped in short order and require its aid. Last month I realized that I was letting myself get hit so I could drink the potion again. I was hooked! I started pawning magic items for the cash to buy healing potions, and I would drink them alone in my room in the Inn at night. The party is beginning to catch on, now that Bob the fighter's "magic" sword isn't cleaving like it used to. I swear that I still detect magic on it, but in reality I pawned the magic one last week. What should I do? Signed: Health Nut Dear Health Nut: Just say 'no' - ha! Just kidding. Actually it is not uncommon for a wizard to develop healing potion dependency - in fact, it is the leading ailment of magicers next to gesticulation elbow. Your local guild (you *are* a paying guild member, aren't you?) has a number of treatments at their disposal with varying degrees of nastiness, depending upon the extent of your problem. Most potion dependencies can be cured with a few, repeated sessions of "shocking grasp therapy". --------------- Dear Sauramud: Just because I don't wear armour I end up packing every last thing the party wants lugged around. When I complain, they just point at their smelly metal casings and mutter stupid non-magical stuff like "AC" and "encumbrance". How can I manage to instill the awe and respect due a magicer when I'm loaded down like a pack mule? Signed: Made to Look Like an Ass Dear Ass: I have a theory that wizards can't wear armour because doing so lowers ones intelligence - how else can one explain that most fighters are low-grade morons. This can work to your advantage in that these armour lugging louts know NOTHING about ANYTHING magical. A bogus magical equation scribbled into the dirt with a stick can convince even the toughest fighter to carry his own supplies. Example: Wizard: (point to meaningless scribble in dirt) I can't carry those rations with my incredible magical aura, look at the thurble factor here! Fighter: (scratch ugly, louse-infested head) So? Wizard: Well, suit yourself if you want to go impotent when you eat them. Fighter: (snatch up rations very quickly) --------------- Dear Sauramud: Here I am, able to cast second-level spells for the first time, and suddenly the party hates me. You see, the only second level spell I have is "Invisibility", so naturally I use it to make sure monsters don't try and eviscerate me during encounters. The other party members accuse me of hiding and not pulling my weight, when here I am offering much needed moral support and advice. What can I do? Signed: Vanishing Act Dear Vanishing Act: Ain't it true that a party can't appreciate good solid moral support when it's offered! Obviously they are blind to the tactical advantage of having the enemies unable to detect the source of all the good advice the party is receiving. It's their own fault if you end up the only one unscathed in combat because you had the sense to follow your own good council which they, in their blood crazed fighting frenzy, chose to ignore. Geez, the next thing they will want you to betray your position by casting missiles or something! --------------- Dear Sauramud: I'm a beginning wizard, and have a problem. After I cast my spell in the dungeon, I want to leave and rest so I can study it again. The other people in the party always want to stay and explore though, and I really don't think going back alone would be safe. What do I do? Signed: First Level and Worried Dear Worried: It is a well established fact that once a first level wizard has cast his only spell he is statistically weaker than an average house cat. My best advice to you is to develop a series of standard ailments that crop up right after your last spell is cast such as a twisted ankle, post-magic syndrome (pms) or fainting spells which will only clear up after a few hours of rest (preferably outside). Under no circumstances should you attempt to feign dead after casting your last spell or they will rifle your pockets for change and leave you behind. --------------- Dear Sauramud: I have an upcoming test (yes, like in dragonlance) in order to become fifth level, I must pass this test, otherwise I will not be able to gain third level spells. What should I expect to know/do for this test? How should I prepare? Failure means death for me. What should I do? Did you have to take such a test? Tell me about it if you did. Thanks. Signed, Worried and Shaking. Dear W.A.S.: As if getting run through the brisket by orcish pikes and dodging goblin arrows while you are desperately trying to get your shield spell off isn't test enough! My best advice to you is to repeat the old adage "money talks". Find a fifth level wizard who has completed this test and bribe him for the solution. Did I have to complete some silly test to get my new spells? Of course not! Back in my day you BOUGHT your spells. Trust some bureaucratic busy-body to get their nose in on the wizard racket! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well that's all for this installment folks. As always, send _your_ questions for Sauramud to mmcaleese@csr.uvic.ca. "Sauramud's Advice Column" is written by David Braun (David_Braun@panam.wimsey.bc.ca) and Michael McAleese (mmcalees@csr.uvic.ca), A.K.A. "Those Dudes". Contributors of "letters to Sauramud" were: tmiller@prism.gatech.edu (Thomas Miller) repayne@mailbox.syr.edu (Robert E. Jr. Payne)