Bloke: The handbrake doesn't like Rugby. Is it time to trade her in?
Bloke's Advisor: Of course not! Just because she doesn't appreciate
the finer things in life isn't legitimate grounds for a later model. She
probably just doesn't UNDERSTAND the crucial relevance of Rugby in the Bloke's
life. Get her to have a look at The Handbrake's Guide
to Rugby
Bloke: The handbrake doesn't like League. As Above
Bloke's Advisor: As above
Bloke: The handbrake doesn't like beer and wants a Datsun Bluebird
Bloke's Advisor: Chuck her.
Bloke: The handbrake wants me to go to her office work do, which is
apparently going to be a Wine and Cheese or something similar. What should
I do?
Bloke's Advisor: Good Question. It's important not to biff one of
her workmates for being a blouse until after everyone's had a lot of booze
so that you can say it was an accident. Similarly, you should not biff one
of her workmates for offering you a glass of wine - he's being polite and not
trying to 'queer you up'. As far as the wine and cheese bash
goes, Stop in at your local Garage and grab a couple of Steak and Cheese
maggot packs and chuck them on the Radiator of the Holden when you get to the
bash to keep them warm till you get hungry later on. Prior to this you
should've scored a bottle of wine which you tip down the bog as soon as you
get there, then refill it from the flagons you've got in the cooler in the
boot of the Holden. (Just tell nosey buggers to score their own beer if
they start to get a little edgey). Note: Be especially careful that
NONE of your mates see you buying wine.
Bloke: The handbrake wants me to go round and be nice to her folks
again.
Bloke's Advisor: Bugger. We were hoping that wouldn't happen
again, considering last time you got a bit legless and pissed in the pot-
plant in the hallway, Remember? It wouldn't have been so bad if they
hadn't been showing you out at the time, and if you hadn't said "Better
out than in" to her Ma. If she wants you to go round again, it looks like
it's marriage alert time.
Bloke: The handbrake wants to bring her folks around for dinner
Bloke's Advisor: Okay. If you were the pilot of a 737, you'd be
hearing the noises "WHOOP! WHOOP! PULL UP!... WHOOP! WHOOP! PULL UP!..."
around now. This is the final emergency impending marriage warning.
And, because you've killed all the pot plants in YOUR hallway, you're
going to have to be fairly devious. I would suggest you say you're
going to make dessert (Ya big Nancy!) then initiate the old "laxative
in the dessert" trick, having nipped outside to make sure that the outlaw's
car breaks down halfway home. After an indignity like that they're unlikely
to want you hitching a rope swing to the old family tree.. If they're
unconvinced, tell them you've got your hand in now and think you'll make
the Wedding Cake as well.... Note: Make damn sure that they won't
tell any of the lads this tho.
Bloke: I'm torn between two cars. Which one should I buy?
Bloke's Advisor: Right, lets get down to basics. If two Holdens
seem evenly matched, you make your decision on the following criteria,
rated most important to least important. The One with the Biggest
Engine. The One that SOUNDS LIKE it's got the Biggest Engine. The Red
One with the loudest stereo. The Red One. The one with the Mags. The V8...
If none of these criteria are met, you may as well ask your handbrake - YA
BIG GIRL!
Bloke: I think I'm a woman trapped in a man's body.
Bloke's Advisor: You're not, you're a Bloke's Handbrake trying to
trip us up. And it won't bloody work.
Bloke: The handbrake wants to drive my car.
Bloke's Advisor: No she doesn't, she wants to wreck it because
she's jealous of it's relationship with you. Anyway, it's a manual transmission
so she'll have no hope. If you have an auto (like a Valiant Regal) remember
the following: P is for Potentially safe. N is not Not safe. D is for
Dangerously Unsafe (and for Don't-even-THINK-about-selecting-this) and 1
and 2 are for how many cars they'll hit before letting go of the steering
wheel in shock.
Bloke: The handbrake is up the pole. What should I do?
Bloke's Advisor: You spend entire weekends tuning the V8 into a
smooth running racing mobile. What do you bloody THINK you're going to do? Oh,
and don't forget the crate of beer in the wash-house. Wouldn't want to leave
that behind.
Bloke: The handbrake says she'll leave me if I go fishing with my
mates for the whole weekend again.
Bloke's Advisor: Best pick up a couple of Steak and Cheese pies
on the way home then.
Bloke: The handbrake has left me for my best mate!
Bloke's Advisor: And you just thought the laundry basket was broken
didn't you? Don't worry - You'll find another best mate.